The Edge Page 16

  “I’m sure I don’t have to tell you that a Dominant without confidence in his abilities is not a good thing.”

  Nash bit at his bottom lip and nodded. Cedric, being a Dominant in a long-term relationship, understood Nash’s concerns without having to go into depth. A Dom should never raise his hand, bind, or do anything to his submissive without complete confidence in his abilities. It was one thing to demand his submissive put his Dom’s pleasure and needs before his own. It was never okay for that Dom to put those things above the needs of his boy.

  “You do know that, right?” Cedric prompted.

  “Of course I do,” Nash barked, proof of just how worried he was. “Sorry, I’m just so goddamn frustrated. I do know I can’t be what Joshua needs if I can’t get a handle on this doubt. I also know that I will do anything to make sure he is healthy and happy. Anything!”

  Cedric’s smile was softer now. “I’m concerned about him as well, but the mere fact that you’re here tells me he’s safer with you than anyone, that you wouldn’t ever intentionally cause him harm. But right now, it’s you I’m concerned about. Tell me about your relationship with him.”

  “It’s good… most of the time. He does well with chores and taking care of me. We’ve found some limits, although I suspect he’s still trying to manipulate me.” Nash looked at the table as the words came faster and the dam cracked. “We don’t seem to have any structure. One minute, everything is going great, I think we’re making progress, then bam, we hit a wall and stumble back two steps. Each wall we hit has me rethinking what I’m doing, and each tear he sheds rips out my fucking heart.”

  Nash took a sip of his wine, hating the way his hands were trembling and the quickness of his pulse. A deep breath and he continued: “Joshua was a mess after the last session with you. We really didn’t talk about it. I held him a lot, told him he could talk to me about anything, but I didn’t push. Instead, I let him ignore it. I did my best to make him happy so he wouldn’t have to think about it because of what those damn tears do to me. The last week has been one orgasm after another at night, and to keep him from thinking too much during the day, I got him a goddamn dog!”

  “The fact that you are aware of the issues gives me hope,” Cedric said gently. “We, as Doms, are not expected to be perfect, right?”

  “But I want to be perfect for him,” Nash insisted. “I have to be, but I’m not pushing him. I’m letting him coast. I’m screwing up, Cedric, because I don’t want to see him ache. I don’t want to open up wounds and drag out the crap that he’s got to deal with because it hurts me to see him hurt. I’m being unfair to him and perpetuating his lack of understanding about himself for purely selfish reasons, and it’s just so damn frightening that I may mess him up even further.” He took a deep breath and raised his eyes to meet Cedric’s. “I cannot fail him, Cedric. I can’t be just another in a long list of people who have taken from him and not given back.”

  “It’s going to be difficult for both of you to push past it.” Cedric set his glass down on the table without taking another sip. “I knew when you called me about setting up a meeting with your boy, that this was going to be hard for you. As Doms, it’s not our way. We don’t want to ask others to do for our boys what we can’t. But sometimes, especially in the case of Joshua, that’s exactly what has to be done. He has deep-seated issues that you cannot deal with on your own, no matter how much you love him. You did the right thing. You’re doing the right thing. But it’s going to take time, Nash. Some days it will be one step forward and two back, but you’ll also have those days when you take two and only fall back one. We’re dealing with decades of mistrust and abuse. That can’t be overcome in a matter of days or weeks. It’s going to take years.”

  “I know.” Nash sighed and said it again. “I know.” Unable to sit still any longer, Nash got up and began to pace. “But now what do I do? He needs structure; he needs pain; he needs consistency, but I don’t know that I can give him those things. At least not in my current state of mind.” He walked the length of the room as he spoke and then turned. “I don’t want to neglect the things he needs. I truly believe he’s a natural submissive. He wants it, wants to find joy in it. Which is really surprising, considering his past, but I can’t seem to get him to where he takes real joy in it. Sexual release, yes, but not the rest.”

  “And he won’t until he finds true peace within. Look, I’m skirting a fine line here, Nash. I’m trying to help without betraying my duty to Joshua. What I can tell you, since we discussed many of these things before Joshua became my patient, is he’s allowed himself to be abused without knowing any better and spends huge amounts of emotional energy feeling like a failure, feeling like he isn’t good enough. Those feelings have been validated over and over again by numerous people throughout his life.”

  Nash sat down, picked up his glass, and swirled the dark red liquid. It splashed around the rim before he set it back down, and he whispered, “I’m worried that I added to that list. I don’t want to be one of many. I want to be the one whom he can trust.”

  Cedric nodded and frowned. “Sure. That’s something to be concerned about, of course,” he said finally. “It feels like a risk to you, and I know you. You don’t like to take risks. But Nash, how are you helping him find that freedom and joy he craves, and frankly, that you do as well, by keeping him sheltered from the things that haunt him? They will only continue to do so. Joshua is, as you say, very smart. He’ll figure out he’s not being challenged the way he needs to be. You don’t want him to come to you and say that either, do you?” Cedric picked up his drink again. “You’re smart enough to know what happens when infection is left in a wound.”

  “I know all that.” Nash frowned. “Intellectually, I know that. I understand it as more than theory. I know very well that those past abuses can’t be left to fester. Of course I know, but I can’t let it go. And until I can, I don’t trust myself to do a scene with him. I can’t risk it. But what does that mean for Joshua? What about his pain issues and his need to submit?” He growled in frustration. “I feel like I’m damned if I do and I’m fucked if I don’t.”

  “Nash.” Cedric looked at him thoughtfully. “I don’t like to meddle in your relationship, but I have to admit I agree with you on this. I know the D/s role is very important to you both, but it’s not as important as Joshua’s mental health and well-being. It’s very sad what has happened to him. But in my opinion, the most important thing you need to work on is getting him to trust you, which will be extremely difficult, if not nearly impossible, considering he’s never had anyone in his life that he could trust.”

  “I know,” Nash said sadly. He hated the fact he hadn’t earned Joshua’s trust. It was a blow to his ego even if he knew it wasn’t completely his fault. It was still a hard pill to swallow. He found himself studying the top of the table as he tried to order his thoughts.

  Cedric picked up his glass only to set it down again. “You don’t have to go this alone. I know you care about him and want to meet all his needs, but Nash, this is bigger than you—this is about years of mental and physical abuse, and you simply don’t have the tools or the knowledge to help him. But you knew that. That’s why you asked me to help.” He leaned across the table and tapped it, making sure Nash met his eyes. “You can’t help him, but we can together. You can’t do this on your own.”

  Nash didn’t answer right away; he couldn’t. He reached for his neglected wine and sipped it, trying to think calmly. It was far too easy to insist that of course he could do it on his own. Joshua was his responsibility, but Cedric was right; this was bigger than him. The trouble, he decided, was that the thought of Joshua brought up so many emotions at once that it was hard to identify them all and know what to do or how to react in any given moment. There were all the sexual feelings, some of which were becoming rather complex, and then the affection and admiration. The enjoyment of his conversation and his smile, of his teasing and his laughter. The sounds of him coming and beggin
g. The tears. The discussion and Joshua finally facing the hard things. The scary things in the closet and under the bed. The willingness to bring them out, face them, and deal with them. To learn. To move on. To heal.

  “I know,” Nash finally admitted quietly, setting his glass down. “No matter how much I wish otherwise, I can’t.” His voice was rough, and he looked at Cedric with a small, weak smile. “I need you. I need to learn to ask for help.”

  Cedric reached across the table and patted Nash’s forearm. “You have some very difficult and emotional struggles ahead of you. Both of you do. You have nightmares to get past. I’m here for you both.”

  “Thank you,” Nash said roughly. “Now I just need to figure out what my next move should be. How can I satisfy his submissive needs as well as deal with his pain issues?” He thought for a moment, considering the continuation of at least morning discipline and bondage scenes only, but shook his head. “I’m not quite sure how to handle those things.”

  “Joshua craves physical pain so he doesn’t have to deal with the pain in his heart. You can no longer facilitate that,” he suggested. “However, that doesn’t mean you have to completely change your approach. Joshua can still submit. He still needs help in keeping him grounded. It does him no good to dwell in the past all the time but bring his memories out, deal with them in small doses. Yes, he has to face them, but you can’t overwhelm him either.”

  “So you’re saying I should continue to keep him on task, expect him to do his chores, put me and my needs first the majority of the time. Find a balance. I get that, but I don’t want to reward him for merely doing what I expect of him. I can no longer use discipline or punishment in the ways that I have, but he needs positive reinforcements, something to strive for. If it’s not pain, what is it?”

  “Save his favorite rewards for breakthroughs or for when he exceeds your expectations, and he’ll work harder.”

  “I don’t want to let him think I’m withdrawing anything—my affection or my respect.” God, he was so confused. He felt like a rank beginner, totally out of his element. He was just lucky he had Malcolm and Cedric at his back.

  “No, no, affection isn’t a reward really. Sleeping in your bed, getting off, free time, those things are rewards. But of course I wouldn’t change your style or your methods without discussing it with him, explaining that this is a new phase of your relationship. That you still care for him, respect him, love him, whatever terms you use.”

  Nash sighed. “Jesus. I can’t remember the last time I’ve been this unsure of my abilities as a Dom.”

  “You have the potential to do two vastly divergent things to Joshua. You can help him, or you can harm him.” Cedric’s voice was soft. “Every time you open your mouth, every time you reward, scold, bind, blindfold, fuck, tease, kiss, ask, or order him, you are either helping him or harming him. If you’re not doing one—you’re doing the other. If you don’t know that or you don’t have faith in your abilities or allow self-doubt to cripple you, then I assure you, you will harm him.”

  “It’s the last thing I want to do.”

  “Then you need to take a good long look in the mirror and ask yourself, can you be the man Joshua needs. If you can’t answer yes with absolute conviction, then you know what you need to do.”

  The thought of giving up on Joshua made Nash physically sick to his stomach. He wanted Joshua more than anything. Nash shook his head. No, he wanted a happy and healthy Joshua more than anything. So, the real question Nash had to ask himself—was he strong enough?

  Chapter Eighteen

  SITTING ON the couch, feet propped up on the coffee table, Joshua ran his hand along Hazel’s back. The soft fur against his palm had a calming effect on him. It amazed him how quickly the little pup had become such a comfort to him. Something he seriously needed at the moment, considering Nash was sitting tensely on the other side of him, picking at a hangnail on his thumb. After what had happened in the studio, Joshua wasn’t surprised that Nash would want to talk about it, but to see the man so visibly upset and unsure, Joshua hadn’t expected that.

  Sure, he knew Nash sometimes struggled with what to do with him. After all, dealing with his fucked-up issues would stress anyone out. However, he hadn’t seen Nash react quite this severely, and to be honest, it scared Joshua. He couldn’t help but think the inevitable was about to happen. Eventually everyone got tired of having to deal with his issues, and honestly, he couldn’t blame them. He’d sure had his fill of disappointment throughout his life, but losing Nash…. Bile rose up in his throat, and he struggled to push it back down. While he’d always hated moving around, he’d learned to deal with it by not allowing himself to get attached to any one place or person. This time would be different. This time would devastate him.

  As if Nash was reading his mind, knew Joshua’s greatest fear, he said, “We have some hard choices to make going forward, but I want you to know that one way or another, we will get through this. I won’t give up on us.”

  The relief was so profound Joshua wanted to weep. He couldn’t respond, his throat tight, and thankfully Nash didn’t ask him to.

  Instead, Nash laid his hand on Joshua’s thigh, squeezed gently, and asked, “Would you mind if we put Hazel in her crate while we talk? I’d like to have your full attention, okay?”

  “Yes, Sir. I’ll be right back.” He picked Hazel up and, on trembling legs, took her to the bedroom and gently placed her in her crate. She looked up at him with those sad eyes. “It’s okay,” he assured her and patted her head. “It’s going to be okay.” At least he hoped it would be. Nash telling him he wasn’t going to give up on them gave him at least a glimmer of hope. Joshua closed the door and engaged the latch. Strangely, Hazel didn’t cry or so much as whimper. She simply spun around twice on her bed and lay down. Maybe dogs could truly read people’s emotions. If they could, it was no surprise that Hazel didn’t want to stress him out any more than he already was. When he returned to the living room, the tension increased tenfold when he spotted their contract lying on the coffee table.

  His mouth suddenly dry, he stopped at the entryway. “I’m going to get something to drink. Would you like something, Sir?”

  “Water would be great, thank you.”

  Joshua went to the kitchen, chugged down an entire glass of water to soothe his sore throat, then prepared two glasses of ice water and took them to the living room. He set them on the coffee table, sat at the end of the couch, and pulled his feet up beneath him. He glanced back and forth from the contract to Nash but didn’t ask about it.

  Finally, after what felt like an eternity, Nash picked up the contract, a sad expression on his face. “I can no longer abide by this, as I no longer believe it’s in the best interest for either of us,” he said, holding up the contract. He threw it back on the table, and this time when he looked at Joshua, the sadness had been replaced with determination. “But I’m hoping we can draw up a new agreement we can both commit to.”

  “I’m good with whatever you decide, Sir,” Joshua responded hesitantly.

  “That’s just it, Joshua. This can’t be about me. It has to be about both of us.” He snatched up the contract again and ripped it in half. Nash reached for him and Joshua jerked away. “Oh, babe, I’m not upset. I did that because I don’t want you making these decisions while you’re still under the mindset of being my submissive.” Joshua frowned and apparently, Nash noticed because he added, “I still want that, believe me. But right now, the most important thing is that we come to an agreement while being equals. Do you know what I mean?”

  Joshua thought about it for a moment. It had hurt his heart to see Nash tear up the contract that bound them together. In that second he’d felt like he’d been tossed overboard into a sea of unknown and he didn’t know how to swim. Then Nash’s words rushed back, I won’t give up on us.

  Joshua clung to them like a life raft. “I think so, Sir.”

  “I’m going to ask you a favor.”

  Joshua tilted
his head. “A favor, Sir?”

  “Yes, I want, or rather, I need for you to refer to me by my name. At least for this discussion.”

  “I don’t—”

  Nash held up his hand. “I know it’s hard for you, and I understand. But I really need you to think of me not as your Dom but as your equal right now.”

  That was like asking him not to breathe. It felt strange to refer to Nash by his first name, but Joshua wanted to make him happy. Hell, he wanted to be happy. Plus, the thought of being Nash’s equal appealed to Joshua.

  “Okay, I will try,” he said in agreement.

  “Great! Before we start getting into particulars, I should tell you I saw Cedric today.”

  Joshua stiffened. Oh fuck! Would Dr. Hobson really reveal the things he’d said to him in confidence?

  Nash must have realized he was edging toward panic mode because he quickly added, “We didn’t discuss your sessions. Cedric would never do that. You can trust him, I promise. We talked about me and some of the difficulties I’m having.”

  Joshua only felt marginally better. While he was relieved that Dr. Hobson wasn’t telling Nash the things they had discussed, Joshua still had little doubt that the difficulties Nash was having were his fault. He didn’t voice it, simply hung his head and waited to see what Nash would say on the subject.

  “My difficulties have a lot to with the fact that I’ve lost confidence in myself. I’m questioning everything I say or do when it comes to you.”

  It is your fault. Joshua’s heart sank. “I’m sorry, I know I’m fucked-up and hard to deal with.”

  “Hey, no apologies. We all have issues, some deeper than others. The fact that you’re seeking help, opening up, and dealing with your nightmarish past gives me hope….” Nash shook his head. “No, I know I can work through mine and become a better person. The kind of man you can lean on.”