The Edge Read online

  “Oh really? You make it sound so fucking easy,” Joshua snapped. It was getting harder and harder to control his temper. To be the perfect little submissive. Hell, right now he didn’t want to be. He wanted to kick and scream and fight and destroy anything and everything that reminded him of a time, a day, a moment when he felt weak and helpless. Letting his anger fill him, he glared at Dr. Hobson. “Tell me this. Have you ever watched your mother take the last dime she had to stick a needle in her arm while you were so damn hungry it felt like your stomach was eating itself? Have you ever had to lie on a cold floor and listen to yet another stranger fuck your mother? Have you ever been rescued from one shit hole only to be thrown into another?” With each question his voice rose until he was screaming. He stood, hands flat on the desk, scowling down at Dr. Hobson. “Or worse yet, snatched from a good place and sent to live with a sadistic prick who beat you just for fucking breathing? How many homes were you in by the time you were old enough to run? I bet you didn’t sell your ass in a dirty alley just for a meal or a warm place to sleep? So, who in the hell are you to tell me to look at it and move on? Move on from what? Where the fuck am I supposed to move to?”

  “This isn’t about me, Joshua. This is about you, and as horrible as it sounds, you must do this. Holding all that anger inside is eating you alive.”

  “You’re not fucking listening! I don’t want to!”

  “You’ve already begun.”

  Once again, Joshua found himself glaring at the doctor. His heart hammered, beating so hard the rush of blood in his ears was nearly painful in its intensity. Run. Run. Run! The voice in his head was getting louder and louder until he thought his eardrums would explode. Only the voice came from within, and he wanted desperately to obey the demand, but he couldn’t seem to move. Adrenaline surged through him, his fight-or-flight response fully engaged. He was breathing harshly, body trembling as the battle within raged.

  Joshua desperately tried to shove the old memories back into the box, but they refused to be silenced. Instead, it was as if they were swelling, shoving against Joshua’s insides, clawing and scratching. He fought back, but it was in vain. He was powerless against his demons. He fell back into the chair, and the tears and memories flowed from him.

  SITTING IN his car, Nash checked his watch then the door to Cedric’s office for what seemed like the hundredth time. Joshua’s appointment should have ended a half hour ago. With each tick of the clock, Nash’s unease grew. Had something gone wrong? Was it possible Joshua had gone out the back door? He often wanted to be left alone after a session. However, he’d escape to his bedroom. Joshua had never run from his appointment. Where would he go? They were miles from Nash’s home. Nash’s unease began to turn to panic, and he reached for the door handle. At that exact moment, Joshua stepped out and stood on the sidewalk, staring up at the bright blue sky.

  Nash should have been relieved. However, the look on Joshua’s face, his red-rimmed eyes and disheveled appearance caused alarm bells to go off in Nash’s mind. After long moments when Joshua continued to stare upward, Nash opened the door and stepped out of the car.

  He cautiously approached his boy. “Joshua,” he said, keeping his voice low and even. “Are you okay?”

  Joshua lowered his gaze, but Nash wasn’t sure if Joshua was seeing him. Nash slid his arm around Joshua and gently rubbed his back. “Are you okay?”

  Rather than respond, Joshua hugged Nash, hid is face in Nash’s neck. Nash wrapped his arms around him, held him as his boy shook so hard Nash feared Joshua would fall.

  “I got you,” Nash said soothingly. Joshua clung to him as he sobbed. Nash’s heart ached for his boy. He wished there was a way he could take all that sadness into himself, so Joshua didn’t have to deal with it. But there was no magical or logical thing that could wipe away such anguish. All Nash could do was give him his strength, support Joshua, and be whatever Joshua needed him to be.

  Nash held Joshua tighter, stroking his hair until the sobbing quieted into a gentle crying. “Are you ready to go home?”

  Joshua nodded.

  Nash helped him into the car and buckled him in. Joshua went limp, head hung low. Nash’s chest tightened even further to see his boy look so defeated. He needed to get Joshua home, make him feel safe, stabilize him. He patted Joshua’s shoulder, then shut the door. He ran around to the driver’s side and got behind the wheel. He continued to glance at Joshua as he fired up the car and got them on the road, afraid Joshua would sink further into himself until he disappeared. Nash laid his hand on Joshua’s thigh, caressing it, not just to soothe, but because Nash needed the contact with his boy. Joshua kept his head down, wringing his hands, but he was no longer crying and the trembling had eased.

  Although it was a short ride home, it felt as if it took forever due to the fact Nash was unable to comfort Joshua. He hated feeling so useless. Something major had happened during Joshua’s appointment. Nash could only hope that it was something positive. Sure, Joshua was crying now, but sometimes before someone could get better, they had to face their demons, and Lord knew his poor boy had plenty of those. As painful as it was to see Joshua in this condition, Nash just had to hold on to that glimmer of hope. He pulled into the drive and cut the engine. Joshua instantly opened the door and jumped out of the car.

  Nash scrambled to catch up. “Joshua, wait.”

  Joshua kept walking.

  Nash raced forward and caught Joshua’s arm, stopping him on the porch. “I said wait.” There was no way in hell Nash was going to let Joshua flee to his bedroom. Not this time.

  “I just want to go lie down.”

  “Okay, we’ll go stretch out on my bed.”

  “I—”

  “I just want to hold you. That’s it. We don’t have to talk about what happened.”

  Joshua looked reluctant.

  “Do it for me? Please. I know it may be selfish, but I could use a nap and would love to have you next to me.”

  Joshua looked down at the hold Nash had on his arm. It shredded Nash’s heart that Joshua even had to question it. He had to work harder at earning his boy’s trust. If he couldn’t trust Nash to take care of him when he was knocked down, how could Nash help him heal? After what seemed an eternity, Joshua finally lifted his head, and the sadness shimmering in his eyes stole Nash’s breath. Nash clamped down on it. Joshua was the only thing that mattered, and he needed Nash’s support and strength. He had to learn to trust Nash.

  “I won’t force you to lie down with me, but I hope you will. And in time, I also hope you can open up and talk about what’s going on in that pretty head of yours, but I won’t force you to do that right now either.”

  “I can take a nap with you, but that’s all I can agree to right now.” Joshua’s voice trembled when he spoke, but there was a determination in him that couldn’t be denied.

  Nash kissed Joshua’s temple. “That’s enough.” He then kissed Joshua’s lips. “For now.”

  Nash was willing to give Joshua some time to process whatever demon Cedric had helped to let out of its cage, but not too long. They’d been making great strides, Joshua settling nicely, and this was only a temporary setback. One that was no doubt difficult for his boy, but healing was often painful. Nash would be there every step of the way, Joshua’s crutch until he could stand solidly on his own.

  ~*~

  I told him. Dr. Hobson. I told him everything. I have no idea why. I tried to shove the sludge of my childhood back down, but it refused. One minute I was working like hell to get it locked back in the vault, and the next minute it was spewing out of me like a fucking geyser. I haven’t ever told anyone, and I’m not sure how I feel about it. On the one hand, it pisses me off, and I swear if, and that’s a really big if, I go back to see the doc, I will lose my goddamn mind if he looks at me with pity. I don’t want nor do I deserve pity. The shit happened. I’ve moved on. Period. On the other hand, something happened while I was a total crybaby, or rather after I quit sobbing. The sludge that
’s always clogging up inside me was gone, and I could breathe. Like, really take a deep breath. I’m sure it’s a temporary effect from all that sobbing. It wore me out. All those tears were exhausting. Who knew? Last night I slept better than I have in weeks, months, hell, maybe forever. Maybe it was the exhaustion or Nash’s warm body against me, holding me. Hell, maybe it was a combination of both.

  This morning I woke up in Nash’s bed, those strong, warm arms still around me. I should have felt good, basked in it. I mean, I like sleeping in his bed. It’s where I want to be. Only this time when my eyes opened, I looked over at Nash, and instead of feeling content and happy, something like panic rushed in and with it came the sludge. Funny thing is it felt like an old friend. How sad is that?

  I don’t have much time. I have to make breakfast, and I know Nash is going to want to talk. I don’t know what to say to him. I don’t know if I can share it again. I don’t know if I can show him how weak I am again. I don’t know where to go from here. I know I can’t go back, but I’m not sure if I have the strength to go forward. I’m not sure about anything anymore. I don’t know if I ever was.

  Chapter Eleven

  SITTING WITH his back against the headboard, Nash sipped his coffee as Joshua moved around in the kitchen. The smell of frying bacon wafted into the room. Breakfast wouldn’t be long. Nash had been disappointed when he rolled over as he woke to find Joshua no longer at his side, the feeling quickly replaced with relief when he found Joshua kneeling next to the bed and a tray of coffee sitting on the nightstand. As much as he’d have liked to have a little more snuggling time, it was good to see his boy stick to his routine. Nash was sure it brought Joshua at least a bit of comfort. He did better when he had a routine, when he didn’t have to think too much. Nash had almost forgotten that. He’d thought that perhaps they would forgo the discipline, the chores, and the strict schedule. That was for him, not Joshua.

  Nash had been in love before, but not like this, not with the consuming need to be the end-all, be-all another person needed him to be. It wasn’t just that Joshua needed him. He needed Joshua too. They were two halves of a whole. Dominant and submissive. Lovers and friends. It was the former that he must focus on now. It was part of them. Who they were. There would be plenty of time for dealing with Joshua’s session with Cedric later because they would be talking about it. But first things first.

  Nash finished his coffee and set the mug on the tray. He slid from the bed, stretched, scratched his belly, then headed for the bathroom. He pissed, washed his hands, and brushed his teeth. He considered taking a quick shower before breakfast but another thought, a better one, popped into his mind.

  Nash opened the bathroom door and stuck his head out. “Boy!”

  Within seconds, Joshua stood at the end of the hall. “Yes, Sir?”

  “Is breakfast done?”

  “Yes, Sir. I was just about to plate it.”

  “Can you keep in on warm?” Nash asked, doing his best to hold back his grin.

  Joshua tilted his head. “Umm, yeah, I guess I could put it in the oven on warm. Your toast may not be any good.”

  “We can make more. Get breakfast set, then join me in the bathroom.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Nash pulled off his briefs and threw them in the hamper. He hung two thick towels on the hooks next to the shower, then turned on the taps, adjusting the flow to warm. Joshua walked into the room, and Nash stepped in the shower.

  “Strip,” Nash called out. “I need you to wash me.”

  “Yes, Sir.”

  Nash stood beneath the flow of the warm water, hands against the cool tile, and hung his head. He moaned his approval as Joshua began lathering up Nash’s back, kneading the muscles as he washed him. Joshua worked up each of Nash’s arms, his shoulders, then down his back. Nash spread his legs a little wider as Joshua washed Nash’s ass, and his moaning increased as his cock hardened. He hadn’t planned on taking Joshua before breakfast, but he should have known. Joshua’s hands on him always made Nash want.

  Joshua scrubbed Nash’s thighs, calves, and then both feet. “If you turn around, I can get the front.”

  Nash turned, and his erect cock was just inches from Joshua’s mouth. Nash smiled down at him. “Proceed, boy.”

  Joshua poured more soap into his hands and worked up Nash’s legs. He took an extra amount of time to wash Nash’s balls and dick, stroking and caressing them as he lathered them up. Nash fought the urge to thrust. It felt good, but Joshua still had a job to do.

  “All right, boy. I think they are clean enough.”

  “Yes, Sir,” Joshua replied, a hint of amusement in his tone—a sound that did Nash’s heart a world of good.

  With his stomach and chest squeaky clean, Nash bent his knees to allow Joshua to wash his hair. Once it was all lathered up, he stood beneath the water to rinse away the shampoo.

  “My turn.” Nash picked up the bodywash and poured a generous amount into his palm. “Arms out.”

  Joshua held his arms out at his sides and widened his stance. Nash took the same amount of time and care washing his boy. Only when every inch of him had been washed and rinsed did Nash step up, slide his hand around Joshua’s waist, pull him close, and take his mouth in a deep and passionate kiss.

  Nash eventually ended the kiss, nibbling on Joshua’s bottom lip. “You were up and out of bed this morning before I got to do this,” Nash whispered against Joshua’s lips.

  “I’m so—”

  “Don’t apologize. Just make it up to me.”

  Joshua grabbed Nash’s face in both hands and kissed him until Nash’s toes curled and his cock twitched.

  “Now that’s what I’m talking about,” Nash praised when the kiss ended.

  “What else can I do to make it up to you, Sir?”

  “Well, now that you mention it, I think you may have missed a spot,” Nash said slyly. He grabbed Joshua’s hand and pressed it against Nash’s erection.

  “I thought….” Joshua wrapped his fist around Nash’s cock and stroked it. “Never mind.”

  “Good boy.” Nash positioned himself in a way that blocked the water from falling down the front side of him. He grabbed the bodywash and squeezed some onto his dick and Joshua’s hand. Nash shuddered when the cool liquid hit his heated cockhead. “Hands behind your back.”

  Joshua did so instantly, and Nash grabbed Joshua’s hips in both his hands. He held his boy still while he rutted against him, sliding their equally hard cocks together, the soap slicking the way.

  “Look at me,” Nash said. Joshua lifted his eyes and held Nash’s gaze. “That’s it. I want to see those eyes, see the pleasure.”

  Joshua looked hesitant. Nash was aware that it made his boy uncomfortable, but the look quickly morphed into something else, desire and want, as Nash kept thrusting and rolling his hips. He slid his hands around Joshua’s body to grab his ass, blunt fingers digging in, increasing the pressure and friction on their dicks. “Damn, you feel good. So hard against me. Makes me want to bend you over and fuck you through the goddamn wall.”

  “Do it,” Joshua moaned. “Want you.”

  Nash considered it. He loved Joshua’s ass, how tight it was, the way it clamped down on Nash’s dick when Joshua came. Unfortunately, the water was already beginning to cool, and ice-cold water beating down his back was counterconducive to what he was chasing. Besides, he didn’t have a condom or lube in the shower, and he wasn’t about to let go of Joshua long enough to go get them. Hell, he was already close, too close. Nash thrust harder, faster, pulling a deep rumbling moan from his boy.

  “That’s it. Want to feel you come. Feel you shoot all over my dick….” Nash gritted his teeth. So fucking close. But not yet. “Now, boy. Fucking come on me. Now!”

  Joshua’s eyes glazed over, face slack, and just as Nash had demanded, he came. Liquid heat fountained over Nash’s stomach and dick. It was the last push Nash needed. He dug his fingers in harder to Joshua’s ass, back arching, and shot his relea
se against his boy. Perfect timing too, because just then the water turned cold.

  “Holy shit,” Nash yelped. He released Joshua and spun to shut the tap off.

  Joshua snorted.

  Nash turned deliberately and narrowed his eyes. “You find something funny, boy?”

  Joshua bit his bottom lip and shook his head. He couldn’t hide the amusement shining in his eyes nor the way his lip was trembling from obviously trying to hold back his laughter.

  “No…. No, Sir.” Joshua’s words ended on a snort.

  “Uh-huh.” Nash grabbed a towel and tossed it at Joshua. Nash looked down his body and shook his head. “So much for cleaning me up. Look at this mess you made.” He took the other towel and ran it down his chest. He tensed when the terrycloth swiped over his overly sensitive dick.

  “Sorry, Sir. I can make that up to you as well.”

  “Oh, you’ll make it up to me all right,” Nash assured him. He pressed a quick kiss to Joshua’s mouth. “But first, morning discipline and breakfast.”

  AN ORGASM was a great way to start any day, but Joshua was still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Nash had been heavy-handed with his morning discipline, which Joshua was extremely thankful for. It gave him an opportunity to concentrate on his ass during breakfast rather than what had happened the day before, what Nash would no doubt want to talk about. Joshua still hadn’t decided if he would or could go there. Fortunately for him, he wouldn’t have to decide right away. Nash was holed up in his office on some conference call, and Joshua had chores to do.

  He sprayed down the tile in the shower stall with disinfectant and smiled to himself as he started scrubbing. Thinking about what had happened in this very space just a few hours ago was a lot more pleasurable to think about than….

  Nope, he wasn’t going there. Only the harder he tried to think about Nash rubbing off on him, the more those damn memories from the day before kept sneaking in and ruining his happiness. Wasn’t that always the way it went? The bad always seemed to upstage the good. At least that was the way it was in Joshua’s world. He hadn’t been lying when he told Dr. Hobson that. He hadn’t been complaining, but simply stating a fact. He’d grown used to it. At least he thought he had. The session yesterday, the tears, the comfort Nash showed him, everything that had happened from the moment he’d walked into the doc’s office to this second, the only thing he was acutely aware of was his confusion. That, like the sludge, was an old friend and as odd as it seemed, hell, he welcomed it. Certainly was easier to deal with than crying over shit he couldn’t change.